Satura Apologia Today

North Pole – It’s Christmas time! This is the time of year that parents across the globe tell their kids to freely choice to be nice, or else they will be put on the naughty list and get a lump of coal in their stockings.

            This year however, Santa announced it was time to shake things up. Jolly old St. Nick recently announced he is a Calvinist and will be acting on those convictions. In a breaking story from the North Pole, Santa announced to the children of the world that he would now be predetermining who would get presents and who would get a lump of coal.

            “All children are naughty. All of them deserve a lump of coal.” Santa declared. I have decided, according to my will that I will have mercy on whom I choose, and I will punish whom I choose. All of this will be decided well before Christmas of course.” When the children heard the news, there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth.

            In related news, the Grinch announced he had become an Arminian, and John Calvin became the new Grinch.