Satura Apologia Today

Metropolitan Baptist Church – Through the power of positive declaration and positive thinking, prosperity gospel preacher Joel Osteen just traveled back in time to the Church of Pastor Charles Haddon Spurgeon.

            Unfortunately for Osteen, he thought that positive thinking would get him a slot as guest speaker at Metropolitan Baptist Church. Osteen was evidently unfamiliar with Pastor Spurgeon. Charles Spurgeon instantly got down from his pulpit and stood in the isle blocking Osteen’s pathway to the pulpit. “You shall not pass!” Spurgeon declared.

            Congregants revealed that this confused Osteen, who thought that God was blessing him with another Lord of the Ring’s fan.

            In related news, Lakewood Church was having to rethink their theology. The power of positive thinking was able to get Osteen back in time, but it wasn’t enough to get him through one solid Bible teacher.