Satura Apologia Today

Pittsburg Pennsylvania – Concerns are rising as JW founder Charles Taze Russell returns to his home state to embark on a new career as a meteorologist.

“Thunderstorm next week!” Charles Taze Russell told bemused local residents on television. “The thunder will be loud enough to wake the dead, which is good because Jesus will be returning as soon as the storm passes.”

According to residents, Russell predicted three tornadoes last week, and at the end of each respectively, Jesus would come spinning in. Russell also reminded viewers that Jesus should have returned last Tuesday because “the clouds looked heavy, as though someone was coming on the clouds.”

In related news, officials assured residents that the tornado sirens were not controlled by Russell and that everybody should still seek cover if they should hear the sirens.