Satura Apologia Today

Beyond the Satire Quote: “We cannot remember that we once lived with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and that we probably sat in meetings much like this, where the Father’s plan for us was explained. We cannot remember that Lucifer, a son of God the Father, a brother of Jesus Christ, rebelled against God’s plan and, in his rebellion, promised he would bring us all back home. But Lucifer would have denied us our free agency, the freedom to make decisions. We cannot remember that his plan was not accepted by us because, without choice, there would not have been a purpose for coming to this mortal probation. We would not have had opposition or repentance. We would not have learned obedience.” – Apostle Robert D Hales “The Aaronic Priesthood: Return with Honor,” Ensign, Conference Edition, May 1990, 39.

Somewhere Close to the Planet Kolob – At the divine council somewhere in the distant preexistence, LDS Jesus’s little brother Lucifer took the stage while sniffing a tulip. “Why don’t we have mercy on whom we choose to have mercy and compassion on those we choose to have compassion? Why not just force Latter-Day Saints to get themselves saved?”

According to spirit children familiar with Lucifer, old Beelzebub had consulted the work of John Calvin and plagiarized almost word for word in his speech to Heavenly Father concerning the best way to save humanity.

This proposal did not please LDS Jesus who cried “Rigged election! Lucifer wants to steal human’s tremendously good free will capacity. Bad! Not good!”

In a galaxy far, far away in a state called Utah, LDS president Brigham Young reassured his followers who fear Lucifer by saying, “Nothing to worry about.” Young said. “Lucifer is just another one of those blasted Calvinists. We have dealt with those before.”

In other news, Joseph Smith accused John Calvin of rigging the election in much the same way that Jesus accused Lucifer.