Satura Apologia Today
Los Angeles, CA – Reports are coming in as Jonathan Edwards steps away from the pulpit of one of the largest Megachurches in California.
Jonathan Edwards, the famed revivalist preacher from the eighteenth century has returned to the stage today to re preach his greatest hit, “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.”
When confronted about preaching a sermon that he had already preached, Edwards replied, “Why can’t I? All those new-fangled preachers just take sermons they find on the internet. Those sermons have probably been preached a fair many times.”
The reports say Edward’s sermon started at 10:00 AM sharp. Traditionally, the sermon ends at 10:30 AM, today, the sermon lasted until 11:30 PM.
Congregants were surprised to see how short and stooped Edwards was. “We thought he was a giant of man.” One congregant said. “At least that was what we were told in seminary.” The man scratched his head. “Mind, we may have forgotten everything we learned in seminary about Jonathan Edwards.”
“Thou art sinners!” Edwards preached from the pulpit. (Some congregants were wondering what a pulpit was) “Thou art sinners in the hands of an angry God. There is nothing that keeps wicked men at any one moment, out of hell, but the pleasure of GOD.”
Edwards never looked up from the pulpit until the sermon was done. When he did, the audience was crying. This was nothing new to Edwards. The last time he preached this sermon, in the 18th century, he looked up and people were crying in repentance.
Now in the 21st century, folks were crying tears of anger. “How dare he!” One furious man said. “How dare he profane our God by calling him angry. I always understood God as my cosmic teddy bear.”
“I thought we were a seeker friendly church,” another man said. “That was the most seeker unfriendly message I have ever heard.”
Edwards had to be escorted out to avoid being driven out with whips. Neither Edwards, nor the senior pastor of the Church responded to our request for comment.